Are All Cheaters Sex Addicts?

As both a marriage and family therapist and an addictions counselor, I've worked with hundreds of couples facing infidelity, sex addiction, or both. But it's important to note that not everyone who cheats is a sex addict, and not all sex addicts are cheaters. Many people seeking infidelity counseling (and some marriage counselors) are unsure when infidelity is actually part of a pattern of sex addiction. So let's start by defining some key terms.

What is Sex Addiction?

Sex addiction, which is also called hypersexuality or compulsive sexual behavior, is a pattern of sexual behavior that either causes someone to feel bad about themselves or creates problems in various areas of their life. Sex addiction can involve a wide range of behavior: infidelity, pornography usage, masturbation, hiring sex workers, flirting, etc. Sex addicts often experience repeated failed attempts to stop or reduce their unhealthy sexual behavior, an increase in the frequency or intensity of the behavior over time, and spend more and more time thinking about or engaging in the behavior. This behavior can lead to issues in multiple areas of their lives, such as financial, legal, relationship, or career.

What is Infidelity?

Infidelity involves breaking a bond or agreement with one's romantic partner. Couples may define this differently, setting unique boundaries for their relationships. While most couples agree that having sex with someone other than their spouse constitutes infidelity, some also consider behaviors like watching pornography or visiting strip clubs as cheating. As an infidelity counselor, I define cheating based on whatever boundaries have been agreed upon by the couple I'm working with.

A Common Scenario in Infidelity Counseling

A typical story I hear in infidelity counseling involves a partner (usually a man) cheating after a prolonged period of emotional and physical disconnection in the relationship. The affair provides feelings and experiences they were missing in their marriage, like attention, love, sex, and someone they feel heard by. For these couples, the affair is an anomaly and not part of a long-standing pattern. Although this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed, it is not sex addiction.

When sex addiction is present in infidelity counseling (sometimes called affair recovery counseling), there is a pattern of repeated boundary violations regardless of the marriage's overall health. I've had clients in long-term relationships who have never been faithful, including men who have cheated on their wedding nights or when their wives were giving birth. Infidelity as part of a sexual addiction often occurs even when the marriage is going well. Sex addicts will cheat, flirt, or act out sexually even when they feel connected to their spouse and their marital sex life is fulfilling.

What Recovery Looks Like

Affair recovery varies depending on whether sex addiction is involved, though some aspects are similar. Healing in both cases requires total transparency and a gradual rebuilding of trust. However, cheaters who are also sex addicts need additional help, such as counseling with an experienced sex addiction counselor and/or attending 12-Step meetings like Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. For those who cheat but aren't sex addicts, cheating can often be put in the past if the marriage remains healthy, communication stays open, and both partners' important needs are met. For cheaters who are also sex addicts, ongoing treatment is often necessary to ensure recovery.

As a therapist and an expert sex addiction and infidelity, I’m qualified to determine whether we’re dealing with infidelity, sex addiction, or both. I’ve been working with these issues with individuals and couples for nearly 30 years.

For more information, visit my Sex Addiction Therapy page.

Feel free to contact me with any questions.