Do Sex Addicts Have to Give up Sex?

When men with sex addictions begin to acknowledge they have a problem, they sometimes worry that recovering from their addiction means living a life without sex. Understandably, this is an unpleasant – possibly terrifying – thought. The short answer is that sex addicts absolutely do not have to give up sex, but the long answer is a little more complex.

Sex addiction, which is also known as compulsive sexual behavior or hypersexuality, on the most basic level is when someone’s sexual behavior creates problems in their lives or causes them to feel badly about themselves. Problematic sexual behavior can come in many forms, though some of the most common are infidelity, hiring prostitutes, using pornography, masturbation, texting / sexting / or chatting online, and flirting.

Generally, people with sex addictions experience some of the following symptoms: repeated failed attempts to stop or reduce the frequency of the behavior; over time the behavior happens more frequently or with greater intensity; spending more and more time either thinking about the behavior or engaging in the behavior; and the sexual behavior creates problems in one or more area of their lives – financial problems, legal problems, relationship problems, or problems at work.

Men With Sex Addictions do Not Have to Give up Sex

Sex and sexuality are important and for most men an essential part of life. Sex addicts absolutely do not have to give up sex. As a specialist working with sex addicts for 25 years, I’ve never suggested a client live a life devoid of sex. But a crucial part of recovering from sex addiction is determining what sexual behavior is part of the addiction and what isn’t, and this is an important part of working with a sex addiction therapist. If, for example, my client’s sex addiction takes the form of repeated visits to sex workers, then the behavior that must stop is the this and everything related to it (looking at sex worker websites, reaching out to sex workers, masturbating while thinking about being with sex workers, etc.). But he absolutely can have a healthy, happy sex life with his wife / partner when she is ready for this.

A common part of recovering from sex addiction and having a healthy sex life is retraining oneself to be turned on by healthy / normal sexuality with one’s partner. A common example is when, through years of masturbating to porn, men train themselves to not be turned on by their real-life wives or girlfriends. If men repeatedly tie the arousal and orgasm to images or videos (particularly when the images are of people that don't look like their wives or girlfriends), they often find the thought of actual sex and intimacy with their real-life partners much less appealing. Once they stop masturbating to porn, men generally find that over time a renewed interest and connectedness with their wives and girlfriends develops. Clients recovering from sex addictions often tell me they are now having better, more exciting, and more intimate sex than they ever had before.

Partners of Men With Sex Addictions May Need Time

Often, a frustrating part of the recovery process is that women in relationships with sex addicts, especially those who have been unfaithful, usually need time to heal and feel emotionally safe before feeling ready to be sexual. Men in recovery have to be patient with their partners and understand this is a normal part of the process and a natural consequence of their behavior.

Men with sex addictions do not, under any circumstances, have to live sexless lives. I would not wish this on anyone. If men who suffer from one of the many forms that sex addiction can take are willing to accept that they have a problem and are willing to work on that problem with the help of a professional and be patient with their partners, it’s entirely possible to have happy, healthy sex lives. They may even have better, more fulfilling sex lives than ever before.

For more information, visit my Sex Addiction Therapy page.

Feel free to contact me with any questions.