Now That My Infidelity has Come to Light, we are Doing Great! Do we Still Need Couples Therapy?

I frequently hear a variation of this question from couples (usually from husbands who cheated) early in the process of healing from infidelity. Surprisingly, it’s not uncommon in the initial period following the disclosure or discovery of infidelity that couples see dramatic positive changes in their relationships and even their sex lives.

After the tension, secrecy, and disconnection that often accompany ongoing infidelity, couples in this early stage sometimes experience honest and open communication for the first time in years. They may feel much more connected emotionally. It’s also not unusual for post-disclosure couples to experience a sort of renaissance in their sex lives. This can stem from a desire to regain a sense of control after feeling things have been out of control, an understandable need for validation and intimacy after the betrayal, or it might be an unconscious way to attempt to fix the relationship. Sometimes partners who’ve been cheated on feel sex can be a way to keep their husbands or boyfriends from straying again. Understandably, men in these situations are usually delighted with this change.

When some parts of the relationship feel healthier, it’s natural to want to avoid the work and the cost of therapy. When things seem better, it can be very unappealing – especially for guys - to think about digging up and talking through the unpleasant thoughts and memories related to cheating, especially in front of a stranger.

Though I hate to be the bearer of bad news, unfortunately, as wonderful as these changes feel, they never last unless couples dig in and do the work to heal whatever dynamics caused or allowed the infidelity to occur in the first place.

Why Isn’t This Sustainable?

This early improvement cannot last for several reasons. First, the initial hope and relief that often comes after disclosure, as lovely as it may be, is only temporary and is almost always followed by a strong need on the part of the betrayed partner to talk about and process the affair. Though the initial improvement and renewed closeness may have taken her mind off the pain, the hurt eventually returns and she will desperately need to talk, to have her questions answered (usually many times), and to understand why and how the infidelity happened.

Another piece of the puzzle is that trust must be rebuilt for the relationship to work and for the betrayed partner to feel emotionally and intimately safe in the relationship. This process takes time and work and requires both partners to be vulnerable and take ownership of their part of the dysfunctional dynamic in which the infidelity occurred.  A fairly universal truth in infidelity recovery is that if this work isn’t done, it’s just a question of time before trust is breached again.

Couples can Fully Recover From Infidelity

So, while temporary improvement after the excruciating disclosure of an affair is absolutely possible, it's crucial for couples to understand that truly rebuilding the relationship after infidelity is a process. It requires commitment, open communication, vulnerability, and a willingness to address the underlying issues that contributed to the affair. If sex addiction is part of the picture, recovery will require that this be addressed also.

The good news is that this is doable. In my 30 years of working with hundreds of couples, this healing and rebuilding is absolutely achievable. Couples who commit to engaging in this work generally say that their relationships are healthier than they ever were before the breach of trust occurred.

For more information, visit my Therapy for Infidelity page.

Feel free to contact me with any questions.